马上要做值日报告了,求2个英语笑话(要极品的)

马上要做值日报告了,求2个英语笑话(要极品的)
带上翻译,最好一听就笑~最好能让笑哭的~
一定要极品啊!

Don't open yellow a gun!
不要开黄枪!
The Good News and The Bad News
The doctor is talking to a woman in a hospital bed."I have some good news for you and some bad.First the bad news -- we amputated the wrong leg.Now here is the good news -- we've discovered that your other leg doesn't need to be removed after all."
好消息和坏消息
医生对躺在病床上的一位妇女说：“我给你带来了好消息,也带来了不好的消息.先告诉你一个不好的消息－我们错截了你的那条好腿.现在我再来告诉你一个好消息,我们发现你的另一条腿没必要截除了.”
The Doctor Knows Better
A man was hit by a cab in the street.He was brought to the hospital.His wife who was standing up by his bed,said to the doctor:"I think that he is very ill." "I am afraid that he is dead.” said the doctor,
Hearing this,the man moved his head and said:"I'm not dead.I'm still alive." "Be quiet,"said the wife.”The doctor knows better than you!"
医生懂得多
一个男人在街上被出租车撞倒送进了医院.他的妻子站在他的床前对医生说:"我想他伤得很厉害."医生说:"我怕他已经死了."
听到医生的话,这个男人转动着头说:"我没死,我还活着."妻子说:"安静,医生比你懂得多."
The Picture is Half Good and Half Bad
An artist had painted a child holding a basket of fruit.A friend of his,who admired this picture,wishing to show its perfection,said to some persons who were examining it that the fruit appeared so natural that the birds came to peck at it.A countryman,who heard these praises,said:"If this fruit is as well represented as you say,it is not so with the child,since he does not frighten the birds."
毁誉掺半的画
一位艺术家画了张画:一个孩子提着一篮水果.他的朋友很欣赏这幅画,他很想告诉别人这画的美妙之处,就对几个正在细看画的人说,画中的水果画得多么逼真,连鸟都会来啄的.一个村夫听了这些赞美的话就说:"如果水果画得真像你说的那样好,那么小孩就画得不怎么样了,因为他没有吓住那些鸟."
How to Get a Seat by the Fire
A gentleman came to an inn on a very cold day,and could get no room near the fire.
He called to the hostler to fetch a peck of oysters,and give them to his horse.
"Will your horse eat oysters?” said the hostler.
"Try him,” said the gentleman.
Immediately the people ran to see this wonder,and the gentleman who alone remained in the room,chose the best seat by the fire and made himself comfortable.
怎样在火炉旁找个座位
在一个严寒的冬日,一位绅士来到了一家小客栈,发现火炉旁没有空位了.于是,他让旅店里的马倌去取些牡蛎来喂他的马.
马倌说:"您的马吃牡蛎吗?"
"你试着喂吧."绅士答道.
倾刻间,人们都跑去看这一奇观,而绅士却独自呆在屋里,他在炉旁找了个最好的座位,怡然自得起来.